PART III - CHAPTER 45: NO REGRETS, NO GUILT

Chapter 45

No Regrets, No Guilt
(Ó 2010)

Early Sunday Morning

At the Gravesite of Lillian Emily Morrow

An ideal morning to what was to be the last day of a perfect weekend as far as Logan was concerned. The sky was a crystal blue spotted with some bright billowing white clouds and the morning air cool. He stood in front of the lavender colored granite monument that marked Lily’s grave, he was looking at her image that was engraved into the stone and stroked it gently with his fingertips. Miriam and Cosette sat on the white marble bench as they too felt the serenity of the cemetery. Logan broke the serenity and said, “I have no regrets about anything that I have done you know.”

 

Miriam asked, “What is that Logan?”

 

He turned his head and looked at the two women, “I said that I have no regrets about anything that I have ever done. No regrets and no guilt. I did once at one time, but that was just for a little while. After I did what I had done to those two men who were hurting that little girl in the alley that night. I had guilt for some time. I even had some thoughts about turning myself in, but every time I did, I felt ‘something’ that was stopping me.”

 

“That ‘something’ was probably Lily.” Miriam stated as if it were a fact.

 

“Yes, it very well could have been her.” He smiled, “Something else happened though. I felt this regret and guilt just before I did what I had done to that Bartholomew kid. I felt it all the time I was planning it, but I kept pushing those feelings aside, and I just kept right on going on watching him and planning. I almost did call the whole thing off, until . . .”

 

“Until what, Logan?”

 

“Until I went to go see her.”

 

“See who?”

 

“The little girl who was raped.” He then turned full body towards the two women, “I every now and then would go to where she lived, and sometimes I even followed her to her school, or just around in general. I wasn’t stalking her or anything like that. I just, for some reason, had to see if she were okay. The month before I did what I did to the Bartholomew kid, I went to see her perform in a play at her high school. She was performing the part of Annie Sullivan in ‘The Miracle Worker’. I sat all the in the back row up in the balcony, she was fantastic. Later on after the play was finished, she and the rest of the cast were in the lobby of the school auditorium visiting with their families and friends. Again I stayed in the back of the crowd and just watched her.” He then stepped over to them and sat in between them both. “She was so happy, she was smiling, and laughing, and everyone was praising her on her performance. She was surrounded by all her friends and they were kissing each other on the cheeks and all.” He looked at Miriam, “They were even making plans where to meet soon afterwards for burgers and cokes.”

 

“That is what young people do Logan.”

 

“Yes, yes I know,” he answered, “but as I was watching her, she was; and I have to say even her friends were, like … like as if nothing had ever even happened to her. You see, I have seen many rape victims in my life, in Africa, and here when I was with the police. I’ve seen women right after the act, and victims who were raped many years before, it takes a lot it seems for them to show happiness. But this girl, she was so happy, and seemed content, and ‘something’ told me that it was because of me.” He then stood and faced them, and then began pointing to himself, “I’m the reason she is so happy, because I gave her back her life the very night that it could have been destroyed. I did. Not only were the men who did that to her caught, but they were severely punished, and many people who are victims of that crime don’t ever get to have that.”

 

Both women nodded “yes” to him.

 

“It was at that moment that I made my decision to go ahead with what I did to the Bartholomew kid, because of all those young boys he was hurting, and then to go on with to the man who was supplying them to him. All my guilt, regret and thoughts of stopping were lifted from me as I watched Stephanie and her friends.”

 

Cosette then asked, “Her name was Stephanie? You knew her name?”

 

“Yes, that’s one of my troubles, most of the people I’ve seen that have been hurt, no matter where I’ve been; I know the names of the victims.” Logan then turned and stepped back to the headstone where again he began to gently stroke the image of Lily, “Yeah, I know the names of all the victims.” He remained quiet for a moment, then turned to his two friends, “I don’t want you both to take what I’m about to say personal, but for all of you who have lived your lives in this so called, quote unquote ‘civilized society’?” He then made quote marks in the air with his fingers, “Well, I’m sorry, but … you’re all naïve.” He saw a slight expression of surprise on both the ladies faces, “You see, everything that you have that makes you happy, content, yes even sad and angry, everything around you that makes you comfortable, everything that allows you both, well … to be you; and for everybody else to be what they are, well, you all take for granted that it comes with a price, a price other people are willing to pay … and do pay.”

 

He then took a couple steps towards them, keeping himself between Lily‘s monument and them, “You all live in your nice warm little homes, surrounded by everyone else’s warm little homes, and you all sit comfortably in your taverns and café’s discussing whatever the topic of the day is so nonchalantly. You all then will elect or select all these empty headed, empty suited men and women to make sure that your affairs are managed and that your lives will remain comfortable. The trouble with these idiots is that they let their position and their powers go to their heads. When things start to go wrong, your naivety makes you all place the blame on them, when it is all of you who are mostly to blame, because you all will never do what must be done to remove these assholes … until it’s too late.

 

“Because when these little pipsqueaks … these milquetoasts … let this power go to their heads, what is it that they always seek? Is it money and wealth? Hell no … it’s more power. They will always find some minority in society to blame the problems on to help keep you all naïve. They will even have the audacity to demonize and condemn men like me, making up bullshit stories of how we terrorize and rape the innocents of the world. They will use us to bolster their standing in the world, banging their little fists on their bully pulpits, and the real calamity here is, well, the people will always fall for it. They always fall for it. Then these empty suits start to bully their own constituents and even their own countrymen, always flexing muscle that they don’t have, all under the semblance that it’s all … for your own good.

 

“Then, something happens, it always does. Some other little pipsqueak and milquetoast some place else decides that he must be the one who has rule the world, or better yet, your own moron here decides that he wants to do the same, and knows that before he can conquer the world … he must conquer you first.” He then returned to stand in front of them, “And who are the ones that have to stop them all? Why me … and all those like me. The very ones they demonize are now called upon either to protect them, or to stop them, but above all, to always protect those who are powerless against them. Because you see, they will never come out and say it, or even admit it, but these ‘civilized people’, they need me, and all the other men who are like me. Men that nobody really wants to talk about. Because of what we are willing to do to protect the ‘civilized’ way of life. We and what we do? Why we’re their dirty little secret who will do all their dirty little deeds. They always have to look clean. They stand their in their clean empty suits, while we’re in the mud and the blood. They’ll never admit to how much they need us; most of all, they will never tell you just how much they use us. Because I guarantee you, right now somewhere in the world, the men who have taken my place are doing the things that these pipsqueaks have ordered them to do. These empty headed, empty suits that are admired by all their countrymen? Believe me; they have plenty of blood on their hands, as well as dirt in their hearts.

 

“And me? Well I’ve paid more than my share of the price. I paid for it with my own blood and pain. I paid it with my service to this country, while in the Legion and with the Police, and I paid for it with what I loved more than anything in my life, Lily is the major portion of that price. Those filthy bastards I went after? As far as I am concerned, they had to pay the penalty for my price. So no, I have no regrets or guilt for anything that I did to anybody. I refuse too. Because I tell you, I’m the one who got shortchanged on all that I had to pay in too and all that I sacrificed”

 

He then sat between both ladies again; he dropped down hard, folded his hands together and placed them between his knees. He started to wring his hands and began to rock back and forth, he then said angrily through his gritted teeth, “I will not be judged by anybody, you hear me, anybody. I refuse to be judged for anything that I’ve done. I WILL NOT be judged by anyone on this earth. I DO NOT believe that I must ask forgiveness from anybody that I targeted. What? I have to ask forgiveness from evil men? How ridiculous does that sound? There are only three people I will let judge me and ask forgiveness from. Lily, my mother, and GOD Himself. That’s why I go to that little church every morning, as I did this morning. I go there every morning of the week, attending the mass and then staying to pray the rosary. I ask Him for forgiveness every day.”

 

He continued to wring his hands and rock back and forth for a few more moments, and then some calmness returned to him. He looked to Cosette, “I did confess all of this to the priest there quite some years ago. I went in and did a formal confession to him, so you see, only the both of you and he knows of all this. I told him in the confessional booth that I’m going to attend mass every morning and pray the rosary afterwards for the rest of my life, and that would be my penance to the church. I made my own penance. The good Father agreed because it was far more than what he was going to give me.”

 

Cosette and Miriam both then placed their arm around him to comfort him. Cosette said, “We do not judge you Logan, please do not think that we do.”

 

“Yes Logan,” Miriam confirmed, “we both love you.” She then drew herself and Cosette closer to him and whispered, “And we will never tell anyone of this, ever.” She looked to Cosette, “Is that not right my love?”

 

Cosette nodded, “That is correct. Logan we will never tell anybody. Your secrets with us are the same as those you told Lily. They are safe with us. No person shall ever know.”

 

Both women sat and consoled the distressed ex-Legionnaire, letting him rest his head on their shoulders while they massaged his back gently with their open palms. After some moments, he composed himself and then sat straight up. He looked at Miriam and said, “Come on, let me take you both to breakfast at Gerard’s. I bet all those tourists there will get quite a thrill out of that.” All three then stood to leave, Logan looked over to Lily’s grave and said, “Be back later Lil Girl.”